I know what it’s like.
To ache for the love that you never received.
The absence of his presence left a space in my beating heart
Like a tree that was only half watered,
Reaching for rain in every direction.
I look for his love in older men
Hoping they might be able to hold me how I never was.
Sometimes I see the strength in a man’s arms and don’t know if I’m attracted to him as a lover or as a protector.
Too often I chase boys that run the other way – because a part of me has learned that I have to overextend myself in order to prove I’m worthy of being loved. Like I have to work to get it and grasp to keep it, otherwise it will leave.
And when I am offered love freely…well, I’m still learning how to receive it.
I push it away because I learned that it’s not safe. Because I’m terrified of being left behind. Because a part of me believes I don’t deserve it.
So I run.
People will say you can’t miss what you never had – and I said it to myself for a long time, too – but it’s not true. It’s simply that sometimes you don’t notice the ache because it’s been with you forever.
But I’m finding a quiet peace in me that wasn’t always there.
I’m tired of chasing. Tired of looking for his love in other places.
And as I begin to let go like a first exhale,
I turn around and am met by a girl who shares my face.
She holds out her hand and welcomes me with a smile.
“Welcome home”, she says, “It’s good to have you back.
What have you been looking for all this time?” she asks,
As if she’s been waiting for me her whole life.
And when I see her looking back at me,
I realize that no absence or loss could take anything away from me.
So though I’ll never know his love, I’m learning the feeling of my own
And I can see for the first time
that it’s the one I was looking for
Los Angeles-based singer/songwriter Katie Buxton is unapologetically living by this powerful mantra ‘If it’s not honest, raw, real…I don’t want it.’ She uses the power of words to show that vulnerability is our greatest strength. Follow her journey on Social media: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook. Photo Credit: Jeffrey Packard